Jimmy Carr

I'd probably declare war on Luxembourg. Not because they've done anything horrible, but because I just think we need a war we can win. For morale, for the young men who joined the forces, for the newspapers. Like the Falklands. An easy win where we can go: 'We creamed those guys.' Show less «

You may wonder why Davros is half man, half machine. That's because one day he asked a friend of his if he had any tips about how to pull chicks and he said, "Get some wheels." Show less «

It strikes me as very unfair that Doctor Who (2005) has now had eight lives whereas the fans of Doctor Who (2005) haven't even got one. Show less «

I appreciate as a comedian, people will expect me to "make light" of this situation, but I'm not going to in this statement as this is obviously a serious matter. I met with a financial adviser and he said to me "Do you want to pay less tax? It's totally legal." I said "Yes." I now realise I've made a terrible error of judgement. Although I've been advised the K2 tax scheme is entirely legal, and has been fully disclosed to HM Revenue and Customs. I'm no longer involved in it and will in future conduct my financial affairs much more responsibly. Apologies to everyone. Show less «

[on the 1980s] The decade began with a double tragedy as John Lennon was shot dead and Mick Hucknall wasn't. Show less «