You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.
I was so ugly when I was born that the doctor slapped my mother.
I was so ugly when I was born that the doctor slapped my mother.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
My dad was the town drunk. Usually that's not so bad, but New York City?
My dad was the town drunk. Usually that's not so bad, but New York City?
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into ...
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I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
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I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.
I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.
Take my wife ... please!
Take my wife ... please!
I've been married for 34 years, and I'm still in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out...
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I've been married for 34 years, and I'm still in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me.
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
[on seafood restaurants] The catch of the day was hepatitis.
[on seafood restaurants] The catch of the day was hepatitis.
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.