George Burns, Born: 20 January 1896, New York City, New York, USA

[commenting on winning the Oscar at age 80] It couldn't have happened to an older guy.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

[at 87 years old] I was brought up to respect my elders and now I don't have to respect ANYBODY.

[as he was about to sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" during the 1983 All-Star Game at Comiskey Pa...Show more »

[as he was about to sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" during the 1983 All-Star Game at Comiskey Park in Chicago] I not only sang this song at the first All-Star Game, I also sang it at the first ballgame. Show less «

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out ...Show more »

I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, "Help! Help! Help!" so I said, "Help? Help? Help?" And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned. Show less «

[on adultery] If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale...Show more »

Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks. Show less «

You know, lots of times people have asked me what [Gracie Allen] and I did to make our marriage work...Show more »

You know, lots of times people have asked me what [Gracie Allen] and I did to make our marriage work. It's simple - we didn't do anything. I think the trouble with a lot of people is that they work too hard at staying married. They make a business out of it. When you work too hard at a business you get tired, and when you get tired you get grouchy, you start fighting, and when you start fighting you're out of business. Show less «

I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out . . . and you meet people. You t...Show more »

I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out . . . and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school. Show less «

[on his age] I get a standing ovation just standing.

A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.

[when asked how he got the title role in Oh, God! (1977)] I was the closest to Him in age.

If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.

I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But so...Show more »

I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway. Show less «

[during Dean Martin's roast for Frank Sinatra] We singers aren't worried about getting laughs . . . ...Show more »

[during Dean Martin's roast for Frank Sinatra] We singers aren't worried about getting laughs . . . see, nobody's laughing, and I'm not worried. Show less «

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight m...Show more »

Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh. Show less «

[on gravity] Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that...Show more »

[on gravity] Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up. Show less «

If you live to the age of a hundred, you have it made, because very few people die past the age of a...Show more »

If you live to the age of a hundred, you have it made, because very few people die past the age of a hundred. Show less «

It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a you...Show more »

It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along. Show less «

[on vaudeville] When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did...Show more »

[on vaudeville] When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end. Show less «

[sitting in an empty movie theater] The first movie I ever saw was the first movie I was ever in. I ...Show more »

[sitting in an empty movie theater] The first movie I ever saw was the first movie I was ever in. I was sitting alone in the theater then like I am now. Show less «

[on W.C. Fields] When he was 22 he played England with his young wife, who was 20. His trick was jug...Show more »

[on W.C. Fields] When he was 22 he played England with his young wife, who was 20. His trick was juggling cigar boxes. The star of the show was an old geezer who had a funny voice. The wife fell in love with the old man. Fields stole his accent and delivery, and the old guy stole Fields' wife. I think Fields got the best of the deal. Show less «

In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people wh...Show more »

In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life. Show less «

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do w...Show more »

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there. Show less «

[discussing his role in Going in Style (1979)] I had to learn how to act old."

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

[on how his act with Gracie Allen got started in vaudeville] Gracie was supposed to be the straight ...Show more »

[on how his act with Gracie Allen got started in vaudeville] Gracie was supposed to be the straight woman. The first night we had 40 people out front and they didn't laugh at one of my jokes, but every time Gracie asked me a question they fell out of their seats. So I made her the comic and the act was a hit from that moment on. That was the beginning of Burns and Allen. Show less «

At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised...Show more »

At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish's family. Show less «

[interviewed in his old age about sex scenes] What actresses do today when they appear on the screen...Show more »

[interviewed in his old age about sex scenes] What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen. Show less «

[on appearance] Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.

Happiness is: A good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman . . . or a bad woman, depen...Show more »

Happiness is: A good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman . . . or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand. Show less «

[about his relationship with wife Gracie Allen] The only thing I ever felt guilty about was a telegr...Show more »

[about his relationship with wife Gracie Allen] The only thing I ever felt guilty about was a telegram we got in vaudeville. It was from [Florenz Ziegfeld Jr.] and he was out front and that was one of the nights I blew smoke in Gracie's face and he hated my guts. So he sends a cable saying, "I'll pay $200 for the dame, $100 for the act". I never read it to her. I told her it was from some of the boys at the Friars Club. Before she died I said, "Gracie, I got a confession to make. Remember that cable we got that time in vaudeville?" and she said, "You mean the one from Ziegfeld?" Show less «

I don't believe in dying . . . it's been done.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for fiv...Show more »

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years. Show less «

[on Carol Channing] She never just enters a room. Even when she comes out of the bathroom, her husba...Show more »

[on Carol Channing] She never just enters a room. Even when she comes out of the bathroom, her husband applauds. Show less «

Fall in love with what you do for a living. I don't care what it is. It works.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

[on Al Jolson] It was easy enough to make Jolson happy at home. You just had to cheer him for breakf...Show more »

[on Al Jolson] It was easy enough to make Jolson happy at home. You just had to cheer him for breakfast, applaud wildly for lunch, and give him a standing ovation for dinner. Show less «

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they s...Show more »

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke. Show less «

"I never wanted to play Shakespeare", [Gracie Allen] a statement she had proved by becoming my partn...Show more »

"I never wanted to play Shakespeare", [Gracie Allen] a statement she had proved by becoming my partner. Instead we played Cleveland. Show less «

At my age, the only thing hot waiting for me in my dressing room is a bowl of soup.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

The most important thing to succeed in show business is sincerity. And if you can fake that, you've ...Show more »

The most important thing to succeed in show business is sincerity. And if you can fake that, you've got it made. Show less «

[on his wedding] The justice of the peace spoke so fast I didn't know if Gracie and I had gotten mar...Show more »

[on his wedding] The justice of the peace spoke so fast I didn't know if Gracie and I had gotten married or had bought land in Florida. Show less «

[on his act with Gracie Allen]: The only rule we followed was that we would only use jokes that were...Show more »

[on his act with Gracie Allen]: The only rule we followed was that we would only use jokes that were funny. If people wanted jokes that weren't funny they could listen to our competitors. Show less «

[asked what he thought of Mary Pickford] I never slept with her.

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.

[on meeting Gracie Allen] I remember looking down at her, looking right into her green eye and her b...Show more »

[on meeting Gracie Allen] I remember looking down at her, looking right into her green eye and her blue eye, and thinking what a pretty little girl she is. I was hoping she'd work with me. Show less «